Someday I'll have a normal dog

When Sadie was around, I often blogged about her manic ways.  Then I brought Iris home and found out there are many degrees of "crazy" when it comes to dogs.  The way she attacks animals, police, and people fighting on television, for instance, seems totally demented.  We grew used to having dog-snot on our TV screen.  Because it is possible to mess up a plasma TV screen, we finally figured out that the best way to keep her nose off the television was to tell her, when she charged at the TV, to get her ball.  She then watches the action, all the while growling and biting on her ball.   
She loves balls and frisbees, but left to her own devices she will do her best to destroy them.  I finally found a set of balls at PetSmart that are indestructible; as for the Frisbee, that's a game we just don't play any more.  Iris is only happy if she can destroy the flying object once she catches it.  
And then there's the way she chases shadows or flashlight beams.  She obsesses!     
Years ago, I read in a book that one of the best ways to bond with your dog is to put its bed beside your own so it's sleeping next to you.  I've always done this, and previous dogs have loved the situation; but I've given up with Iris.  Oh, I put forth a lot of effort, even resorting to snapping a leash on her collar, forcing her to sleep on the nice, comfy dog bed in the bedroom.  That was the only way she'd spend the night there.  
Now, if I wanted a heavily-shedding dog in my bed, I'm sure she would gladly have slept with me that way.  When we first got her, she wouldn't stay OFF our bed.  Unfortunately, neither Cliff nor I have a desire to have a dog sharing our bed.  So that's out.  
At one time I had three beds for Iris:  Her favorite, in a tight little corner of my computer room; one in the living room beneath the window, which she used at first but gradually moved away from; and the one I forced her to use in the bedroom.  
I finally decided that if she didn't want to sleep near me, I wasn't going to force her.  Maybe my snoring bothered her, you never know.  Once I stopped forcing the issue she immediately started spending nights in her favorite bed in the computer room, far away from our bedroom.  I put her two unused beds away.  
The closest Iris ever gets to sleeping with me is on stormy nights.  At those times, she sleeps in the bathtub of the bathroom off our bedroom.   
Crazy dog.