Thursday, July 23, 2009

Thanks, Edna!

Cliff's cousin Edna sends me some great stories and jokes in email. I'm sharing this one, because this man's words describe Cliff and me to a "T", right down to the grocery bags and cordless phone. I'm sure my daughter will agree.

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.
I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and
gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages; give me a break.

Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock
canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on theYakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat
rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times,

I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with
Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grandkids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends
every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my
cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed touse when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead; it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she
loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out
just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused, but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.


Susan said...

ROFL !!! Boy, does that ever hit home !!

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

It sure does hit home here too!

madcobug said...

That was cute LOL. Helen

Lindie said...

amen to that! I am further behind you as I don't think facebook is that great! But I will remember the bi-sacksual line!

Jess said...

I have tears I was laughing so hard....great one!

Love, Jess

Amy said...

You know, I remember to put the canvas bags in the car, but then I go into the store and do my shopping, and guess where those bags are.

Celeste said...

LOL I found myself laughing out loud at this one

Fernan said...

OMG! How true. LMAO! Frieda's got one them slimline phones. I don't work and she can't find in her purse when she wants to cuss it out. Those are my precious moments she's left me alone.
Just kidding. The day she leaves me alone, one of us has died.

Paula said...

WellI have one of those canvas bags with Bevo the Texas Longhorn on it. I don't use it 'cause I don't want to get it dirty. Good that we all can still laugh at ourselves, huh?

DesLily said...

thanks for sharing.. this was great!..

and ummm.. i still don't own a cell phone! and I don't loose my phone.. at the worst I just follow the phone wire! lol

Fawteen said...

That's me to a T.

Don't have one, don't want one, will fight getting one to my last breath.

My most precious moments are when I am so totally out of touch that the only way to speak with me is to get off yer fat fundament and come and find me.

At least that way, I can see ya coming from far enough away to get off a couple of shots before you interrupt my solitude.


As far as know...

Midlife Mom said...

That was just hilarious and sooooooo true! My kids are always trying to update me on all the new technical toys and I just want to be left alone with my little cell phone. It takes pictures too but I don't know what to do with them after I've taken them or how to get them off the camera or whatever. And Twitter, I checked that out last night. No way....too much....can't deal with it. Did finally go on Facebook but don't what the big deal is about that. I guess I'm just an old stick in the mud.