Found on a message board (not necessarily my opinions, but funny)

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Donna's".

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blonds have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. .....Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Missouri state motto: At least we're not Arkansas.

GUN CONTROL: Using both hands