One never knows

For several years, I've wondered if I am slightly autistic.  I've taken those online tests:  Some say I'm probably not, some say I am, like the one I just finished doing.  Here are reasons I think I might have Aspergers, or some other form of autism.

1.  It is terribly difficult for me to look people in the eyes; it's even hard for me to look into my own eyes or to look at my face in a mirror.  I avoid that.

2.  Often I panic at having to make a phone call.  

3.  All my life I've had a problem using my "inside voice".  I am often inappropriately loud.

4.  I'm most comfortable when I'm alone.

5.  I tend to insult people without realizing until later that I said the wrong thing; I also sometimes interrupt people, but I never notice I'm doing it until it's too late. 

6.  I've had very few close friends.  Even when I do have a good and faithful friend, I distance myself from them eventually.  I don't do that deliberately, but when I think about it later, I know I just faded away from them and lost touch.  

7.  I've never been "touchy-feelie".  I'm fine with an old friend hugging me when we finally meet again, but I seldom initiate hugs.  I went to a funeral last week where I was hugged by three or four women I hadn't seen in ages.  They were firmly connected to my past, and I enjoyed those hugs... until I got home and realized there's a pandemic going on.  Ha!

8.  When I was a child, left to my own devices I played alone in a fantasy world of Indians and cowboys:  I was one of the Indians, by the way.  Always.  Usually I was the chief!  

9.  I can't stand noise of any kind going on for hours, and that includes music of my own choosing.  I can enjoy music for forty-five minutes at most, then it starts driving me crazy.  And don't get me started on a television that goes on constantly in the background, all day long.  SILENCE, I say.

10.  Mouth noises have always bothered me:  Chewing gum popping, loud chewing noises of any kind, constant yawns and even sneezing, if it happens more than two times in a row. 

11.  I've never "fit in" with any "normal" group. 

So there you have it.  At this point of my life, I accept myself for what I am, but I will always wonder if I'm a tiny bit autistic.  Or maybe even a whole lot autistic.