Sunday, March 31, 2013

Feeling weepy today

This is unusual, because I very seldom get weepy.  It isn't hormones.  I went through the change so long ago, I barely recall what it was like.  
Have you ever had this happen?  It's a beautiful spring day, the birds are singing and the flowers are getting ready to bloom.  You're walking along thinking what a wonderful world it is, and suddenly, for no reason at all, a hurtful, random incident from the past pops into your head  You remember that time that someone hurt your feelings.  
This morning I had two such memories, totally unrelated, hit me almost simultaneously, one  from the mid-seventies that I thought I had dismissed long ago; that one, I can tell you about.  
I don't recall if it was Christmas or some other occasion, or if this lady I presumed to be a friend just thought it up out of the blue, but she gave me a package:  Inside that were two smaller bundles; one had written on it, "Open first."  
Upon opening it, I found a tiny pair of bikini panties that had a note with it saying, "This is what you think you are."  
I opened the other package:  It was a huge pair of granny panties that would have fit a 500-pound woman.  The note enclosed with that said, "This is what you ARE."  
I wasn't fat then, by the way.  I was twenty pounds thinner than I am now.  
I didn't know what to say.  I think I just laughed as if I found the joke funny.  
This morning it came back to haunt me, and you know what?  It hurt more today than it did when it happened.  
I had a long talk with my Maker.  I admitted I needed help getting over this thing.  I asked why on earth, on Easter Sunday, had such a thing come back to haunt me.  
As I said, there was another thing from the more recent past bugging me, but we won't talk about that one.  
Then it came to me:  How many people have I hurt through the years, deliberately or not, who still remember that little slur, that thing they couldn't believe came out of my mouth?
The numbers must be legion.
I am the world's worst at saying what I think when I would be better keeping my mouth shut.  Often I don't realize something I said was hurtful until later and then I think, "I shouldn't have said that!"    
I recall an aunt who cooked a meal for Mother, Daddy, and me when we were visiting and I, the headstrong teenager, refused to go to the table or eat a bite.  How rude of me!  I know it had to have hurt her feelings.  Believe me, I do know.  
"So, God," I asked Him, "is this payback?  After all this time?"  
He didn't say anything, of course.  He doesn't work that way.    
I'm just going to let go of some things and enjoy my Easter Sunday.  I hope all those I've hurt in the past (those who are still living, that is) will let go of a few things, as well.  


Adirondackcountrygal said...

The thing with the panties reminds me of a Christmas gift exchange at my old job. Everyone else was unwrapping these nice gift sets etc and when it was my turn I got this cheap, ugly decoration from the dollar store. I was so embarrassed. I know I have said some hurtful things to people in the past. The not so distant past also. I have been very cruel to my "ex" husband. I felt hurt by him and retaliated with words. The thing when you were a teenager I'm sure they brushed off to you just acting like a teenager. I'm sure I have acted like an idiot on more than one occasion as a teen also!

zztop357 said...

I've always heard,be careful what you will come back and bite you on the behind one day!!!
I'm sorry to say I've been bitten a lot! But I am trying to do better.
As for feeling weepy, Holidays have a habit of dragging up old memory's. Some good, some bad.

Margaret said...

Well, you already know that I'm a weeper. I have much I can cry about, but many times it IS the smaller things I hold on to. My mantra lately has been that MOST people don't hurt us deliberately; they do it thoughtlessly or in a humorous spirit. The ones who do wound deliberately(like my husband's family) are no longer in my life. I try to be open about hurtful things though because otherwise I do carry them around with me. And I have enough "baggage" to carry. Hang in there, Donna.

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

A few tears are good for the soul and saying you are sorry is a great feeling both to the giver and receiver. Non of us are perfect and we've all said or done a few things that have made others feel bad too. Even though we don't deserve it we are forgiven. Christ the Lord has risen today...Alleluia!

PFL0W said...

I salute your ability to be so honest and personal out here.

Mo Rage

Back Porch Writer said...

I had to wonder if the person with the underwear just thought it was funny and might have given that to anyone just for a joke. That is pretty bad though if they meant it to hurt you. Or meant it to be true. I am very sensitive and have to fight that part of me every day. I have also been completely hardened before also putting up walls. So I guess it is a blessingI to feel b/c you can really LOVE at that point but it means having to feel the bad stuff too. I feel LOTS of bad stuff as you know b/c I blog about it all the time. I think the longer we are on this earth, the more selfish people become, ourselves included, and as a result of self love and less love for others, we hurt people and they hurt us. I DO think God is the answer and he tells us that HE is LOVE and so therefore LOVE is the answer too. I think you did the right thing to pray about it and to talk about it b/c it's cathartic. We all KNOW WHO IS in charge of our universe. And it's nice to have HIM to tap into b/c in the END, HE WINS! Til then we do the best we can to forgive, show love, and try to be an example to others. I'm a pretty poor example myself. I fail at that one daily b/c I am selfish and I need to become less selfish! THose walks are good aren't they. And hey -how'd you get a pretty day? lol Stuck with rain here! CAn't get sunshine on a day off. lol Send me some! Oh, someone posted on FB the other day that when the legs get moving the thoughts start flowing. I think it was a quote from Thoreoux. Spelling -crucified it I'm sure. lol

Rita Mosquita said...

Wow! I immediately wondered what the significance of Jesus rising from the dead on Easter, and then to bring this to you today. Why today, and not Good Friday? I too laud you for being so transparent.

The over-sized panties? Yeah, not funny to any one. You were a good sport at the time, but maybe you hid your true feelings at the time.

DB said...

I say knock those things down immediately when they come popping up, the hurts and the regrets. Dig a hole and bury them, even if you have to keep doing it. The past is illusion. Today is the only thing that matters.

Lori said...

I don't know why things like that pop into our heads to plaque us from time to time, but that happens to me as well. I can't imagine what that "friend" was thinking to have sent you such a thing.

The model prayer that Christ taught us in Matthew (some people call it the "Our Father") tells us that we should ask God that he forgive us our sins as we forgive others. So I guess it might be good that we remember those little hurts from our past from time to time; not to hold a grudge or to grieve over them, but so that we remember that we want others to forgive us for our own wrongs, unintentional though they may be.

Carlene Noggle said...

Donna, I too am so bad about saying things before I think about how it will sound. I too have things fromt he past pop up in my mind to haunt me or make me sad. Here lately, I say " Help me Jesus" and it does really help get rid of the bad thoughts. I believe the devil tries to make us sad. Maybe the person who gave you the panties thought it was a cute joke becasue you are NOT fat. Had they given them to my little fat slef, it could have meant it! lol LOVE YOU


Strange the things that pop into our head from the past. Let the hurt stay buried and just move past it as best you can.