I think maybe it started three years ago with Cliff's open heart surgery, this feeling that our time isn't long. His close call made me aware of the brevity of life, so that I look at things from a different perspective. Both of us were affected in this way, actually, and discuss it often.
For instance: When we bought this mobile home, I intended to eventually have different cabinets installed in the kitchen. While I was putting it off, I realized we're not going to be here that long, so why not put up with the cabinets I have?
We moved back here to the pasture because I wanted a view, and more privacy than I had at the old house. I love my view: right now I can look out the window to my left and see the horses and cows grazing. It's been worth the hassle of moving. It was a good move! But remodeling the trailer house? I'm not so sure it would add one iota to my happiness.
Every plan I make these days is weighed against the time Cliff and I have left, and most are discarded. That is, unless it's some foolish-but-fun bauble. Like Cliff's Oliver tractor, or my Mac Mini.
The things on which I'm motivated to spend money are: Computers and the Internet, of course. Things that bring music into my life, like the Bose and the Ipod. Outdoor flower bulbs and plants (I guess I feel I'll be around in a year to see the blooms). And an occasional road trip with Cliff on the Gold Wing.
Clothes? Nope. My wardrobe becomes shabbier and more frumpy every day. Of course, I never was a clothes horse. Besides, I really don't go anyplace that requires much of a wardrobe.
I've even thought about knee surgery in light of how brief my life is, and have almost come to the conclusion that, no longer than I have to live, the pain isn't that bad. It only hurts when I stand too long, or walk too far. Right this instant, sitting at my computer, I'm in no pain at all.
"But you're sixty-five years old; you could live for another twenty years," I can hear you exclaiming.
Believe me, as fast as the time goes these days, twenty years is a puff of smoke, dust in the wind.
I have a couple of pictures and knick-knacks I need to hang. Does it matter whether I hang them or not? Increasingly, I find myself thinking it just isn't worth the bother.
I hope this entry isn't too much of a downer, but this is what's on my mind this morning. Spring will come again and crowd out such somber thoughts, and I'll be outside tending my garden and pruning my roses and taking pictures of the tulips.
Right now, I'm hearing "Autumn Leaves" playing softly in my mind.
"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."
The Bible hits the nail right on the head.