Monday, December 20, 2010

How about a chuckle?

I'm sure some of you have received this in email, but here it is for those who haven't.


IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER  

 These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published.


  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
  WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  WITNESS:     I forget.
  ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  ___________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
  WITNESS:     We both do.
  ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
  WITNESS:     We do.
  ATTORNEY:  You do?
  WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  ____________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
  WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
  ___________________________________________
 
 
  ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
  WITNESS:     Are you sh*tting me?
  _________________________________________
   
  ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
  WITNESS:     Getting laid
  ____________________________________________
   
  ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
  WITNESS:
    None
  ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
  WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS:     By death..
  ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS:     Take a guess.
  ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
  WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
  ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  _____________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
  WITNESS:     Oral..
  _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS:     The autopsy started around
 8:30 PM
  ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
  ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
  ______________________________________

  And last:
  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS:     No..
  ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 


3 comments:

small farm girl said...

Oh my goodness.

Ms Martyr said...

Perfect examples of opening mouth before brain is engaged. I think I need to get a copy of that book. It looks hilarious.

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Well I needed a chuckle right now. I'm taking a well deserved break after the trip to the post office...long line there today. Glad that job is done...