Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Great joke from an Internet friend



A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb...  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.  Hallelujah!"

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Thursday, July 09, 2009

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb changing jokes, Christian-style

Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

Q:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)

Q:
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q:
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q:
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?
A:
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

Q:
How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q:
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
"What's a light bulb?"

Q:
How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

Q:
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

Q:
How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None. They always use candles instead.

Q:
How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q:
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But they are still in darkness.

Q:
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Change?????

Q:
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q:
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q:
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One. But soon all thoses around can warm up to its glowing.

Q:
How many Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
The whole congregation needs to vote on it!

Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q:
How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!

Q:
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Q:
How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Q:
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

Q:
How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.
I hope nobody takes offense at these; I found them quite humorous.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Found on a message board (not necessarily my opinions, but funny)

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Donna's".

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blonds have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. .....Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Missouri state motto: At least we're not Arkansas.

GUN CONTROL: Using both hands